The last 3 days had been filled with tears. Really, I don't think you want to see what's inside my head. I've never felt more screwed up...or I guess I should say - uncertain. Everything in my life right now is uncertain. Everything. I am - I'm the type of girl who cry a lot....but I've cried more the past few days than I have in the past two years. Anything (and I mean ANYTHING) will set me off. I take a shower....I cry. I watch TV....I cry. I sit here blogging....I cry. Definitely not a lie...very stressed.
I am learning a lot about myself lately. I keep myself busy doing house-stuff and cooking (masak tipu-tipu). Because if I am busy, I don't have time to think about all of the uncertainties. Oh, there's that word again....uncertainties. Right now, we have about 4 major decisions based on ONE THING. And of course that ONE THING is up in the air. You know I would give details if I could. But I can't. So....we wait. And until this ONE THING is answered, we have a lot of uncertainties. Until this ONE THING is answered....I cry. I cry a lot.
But Mr. Papa and Ezzah have been unbelievably supportive. I think, in our 5-years of marriage and after we moved to Bath, this is the first time that we really communicate. I can speak my heart and all my miseries to him, and he delivered his thoughts too. He does understand. And of course, I, too, understand that - we have been under some 'remote-control-circumstances' (of which - not me) before this; the 'ín-laws' who were determined to shape our life (every aspects, okey) based on their ideal life. I was not capable of realizing that at the first place; and I admit - that was the chief reason why Mr. Papa lips was zipped tight. So, now that I know - I shall remind myself to think sensibly and try to be in his shoes pulak.
Just when I thought I had absolutely no more energy to add anything else to my lifestyle...that all changes. I need to move on. As much as it hurts me to say this, I already feel so much stronger. Maybe (but don't hold your breath), I just might show you how recovered and positive I am when this is all over (but seriously, don't hold me to it!). But, we shall keep ourselves refrigerated, still. That won't change until summer comes.
Yes, life hurts sometimes. That's nature I guess.
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